Carnivalia

Over here in New Zealand, we're really missing the carnivalia of the election season back home. Obama. McCain. Palin. The other guy. It's so exciting. And, at the same time, it's so ridiculous. Did Obama call Palin a pig? (No, he didn't). Is Palin obstructing justice in Alaska? (Apparently, yes). Fortunately, we have our own election brewing here. Oh joy. Carnivalia. The next few months are likely to be quite a big deal. So, here are the players.

Helen Clark: She's a Brick House.


Sporting some phenomenal equine dentistry, Clark is the incumbent. She's been the prime minister of New Zealand since 1999. Despite being a woman, Clark somehow manages to straddle the gender issue by closely resembling a man. This might sound unkind but I think it's made it much easier for men to vote for her. She's an imposing woman with a deep manly voice. There is absolutely nothing feminine about her. She could benchpress Sarah Palin. Clark represents the Labor Party, whose policies tend toward the socialist. Of course, terms like socialist are relative: compared to New Zealand's version of working socialism, even the most liberal, left-wing members of the United States Congress look like Stalin. Under Clark's helm, New Zealand has introduced child tax credits, increased the minimum wage, introduced 14-weeks of paid parental leave, and legalized civil unions. Abortions are legal, crime has dropped significantly, and we remain nuclear-free. She does seem, however, to be a little out of touch with the concerns of New Zealanders, as food, house and gas prices soar, and the fluctuations on Wall Street are felt here every day, and violent crime seems to be bubbling up in the inner cities (all four of them).

John Key: The Smiling Assassin.


John Key is a member of parliament, and the leader of the opposition. He heads the National Party. He earned millions -- perhaps as much as $2.25million a year -- as Merrill Lynch's global head of foreign exchange. Apparently, he earned his nickname The Smiling Assassin there. Key's National Party is New Zealand's conservative party, which really doesn't mean much compared to the US or England. For instance: He wants to reduce New Zealand's greenhouse gas emissions by 50% in fifty years; and he wants to provide free food to schools with the poorest children. If Facebook is a reliable meter, his Facebook page has 5776 supporters, to Clark's 2357. (Give us a break, there are less than 5-million of us here.) But he does seem to lean on some of those tired traditional conservative ideas that generate fear in the electorate in order to win votes. For instance: he's tough on crime; he wants to change immigration policies (the Asians are taking our jobs); he wants to privatize some state run institutions, etc. People here are dissatisfied (or just have Clark fatigue) and Key wants to capitalize. He strikes me as a very very rich man who thinks that success in the marketplace guarantees him success in running a government. In this respect, he's Republican to the core, both to the extent that he believes in applying business principles to government and the extent to which he's wrong.

Winston Peters: The Crazy Fox.


I'm not sure where to begin with Winston Peters. He is an enigma. He has no peers. He has no US equivalent. Peters has been in New Zealand politics since 1975. The founder of the New Zealand First party, Peters is the Foreign Affairs Minister in Helen Clark's coalition proportional representation government. Amusingly enough, there are several Winston-centric Facebook groups: There's the Winston Peters for Prime Minister group, with 39 members, the Winston Peters Appreciation Group, with a staggering 16 members, and the I-Continue-to-Love-and-Support-Winston Peters group, with 17 members. And the name of that last groups speaks volumes. Peters is currently embroiled in an ugly dirty corruption scandal. He's one of those politicians who, even when faced with damning evidence, will stand in front of the camera and assert his complete innocence, like a baby with chocolate smeared all over his face who denies eating an entire chocolate cake. There's something pathological about it. Slimy. He's been hounded lately by allegations that he received $100,000 from a wealthy businessman to fund a legal battle against a political opponent. Politicians are supposed to relinquish gifts over $500. But rather than relinquish it, he phoned up the businessman to ask for more money. He has an annoying habit of holding up a sign with NO printed on it. There are so many allegations against him that he carries this sign everywhere, press conferences, televised interviews, even at airports.

Then he says, "NO means NO," all the time.

And I think he'll keep saying it until the election.